I stumbled off my glorified time blender in Vienna, narrowly avoiding a puddle of suspiciously fragrant schnitzel grease. This was the 18th century, where powdered wigs were high fashion, and Wolfgang von Kempelen’s Mechanical Turk was the hottest thing since bread slicers hadn’t been invented yet. The Turk was an automaton that crushed chumps in chess.
“You there!” Wolfgang himself greeted me, dramatically tossing a handful of glitter in the air for reasons I didn’t understand. “You think you can take on the Turk? HA! Prepare for humiliating defeat!” His cape billowed, despite there being no wind. I agreed mostly out of curiosity, and also because the crowd chanting “TURK! TURK! TURK!” started to make me feel awkward.
I sat down across from the Mechanical Turk and looked him straight in the eyes of his creepy mannequin head. The eyes seemed to follow me, and its bushy mustache twitched. The moment I touched a pawn, the Turk's mechanical hand shot forward, knocking over my coffee. First blood.
The turk began trash-talking me in rhymes: “Your pawn goes there? Ha! If I had knees, I’d give you a chair!"
The crowd roared with laughter, and I started sweating enough to water a small garden.
“What are you even powered by?” I asked. The Turk pointed to a bowl of pretzels Wolfgang was munching on, as if that explained anything. I was so distracted that I missed it: Checkmate. The robot won. He winked, which was, frankly, deeply unsettling.
Wolfgang clapped his hands like a seal. “Bravo! The Turk wins again! You’ll never guess its secret!” Wolfgang tried to moonwalk away but tripped over his cape. The crowd applauded even louder, and then the chairs clapped.
As I packed up my dignity, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the Turk was more than it was letting on. Was it magic? A highly skilled kijetesantakalu in disguise? Some 18th-century Wi-Fi connection? One thing was clear: I could never play chess here again.
[Date "1770 AD"]
[White "The Mechanical Turk"]
[Black "Jan Sikusi"]
[Result "1-0"]
1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bb5 a6 4. Ba4 Nf6 5. O-O Be7 6. Re1 b5 7. Bb3 d6 8. c3 O-O 9. h3 Re8 10. d4 Bf8
11. Ng5 Re7 12. f4 h6 13. Nxf7 Rxf7 14. dxe5 dxe5 15. Qxd8 Nxd8 16. fxe5 Nd7 17. e6 Re7 18. exd7+ Kh7
19. dxc8=Q Rxc8 20. Be3 c5 21. Nd2 c4 22. Bc2 Nc6 23. Rad1 Ne5 24. Nf3 Nxf3+ 25. gxf3 g5
26. Kf2 Bg7 27. Rd6 Ra8 28. Red1 Rf7 29. e5+ Kg8 30. e6 Re7 31. Rd8+ Re8 32. Rxa8 Rxa8
33. e7 Re8 34. Bg6 Rxe7 35. Rd8+ Bf8 36. Bc5 Rg7 37. Rxf8# 1-0